Yesterday was my black belt test for taekwondo, and I got my recommended black belt. I felt strongly (and still do) that I don't deserve the belt, since I couldn't do everything I was supposed to do. In total I was expected to break 6 boards, yet I only succeeded in breaking 2. Totally unacceptable. And when it came to sparring, I don't think I did so well. One of my two best friends was texting me after (she came to watch, not that she actually watched; she read, talked, or texted the whole time, not paying attention at all) saying that I did really well and I looked hotter than anyone else there in my taekwondo uniform. I blew up at her. She didn't understand that I don't give a damn about what i looked like, and neither does anyone else. I told her that I would rather do everything expected of me really well and be the ugliest one there, than not be able to do everything (even though I can't understand why that had to happen at this test, when I could do those same things in class! I guess it was nerves, but ugh!!) and look better than anyone else there. She was like "Ok bye talk to you later." I said "Ok thanks for your support." Now that I look back on it, that was a completely bitchy and wrong thing of me to say, because she was trying to support and comfort me, but I was just throwing it away, taking it for granted. That got Ricki pissed off, causing her to blow up as well. Our fight went on for a while, with me thinking I might have just lost one of my best friends, but I'll tell you some of what Ricki told me. "Ugh you're so difficult, i try to be a good friend, I show up to all your events, this and your concert concert tonight and other shit. I do things for you like surprise parties and hang out with you and Miriam (our other best friend-we have a trio), which is time out of my schedule, but everything I do doesn't seem appreciated even though I put in a lot of work for you, and when was the last time you showed up to a single one my games (she plays baseball)? And you rebut every piece of advice I give you and your not too nice to other people in the same situation. So yes I love you but seriously you have to be a bit more considerate because I really do put in a lot for you!" I replied asking if she thought I was a selfish, self-centered, horrible bitch, who doesn't care at all about other people. She said yes she does think that. That's not all though. "You never listen to my advice and when was the last time you said or did one nice thing for me? And I really don't want you to keep treating people like this because it makes me feel shitty all the time and that you don't care about me at all when i do care about you so much." Here's still more. " It's not only that, it's that you never seem to care about what i do, like have you ever asked when my games are or something? And everything seems to always revolve around you and you get upset about the tiniest things when I put up with a lot and it's like you weren't even appreciative that I came today (to my test) like you just expected me to be there and then you were complaining about how badly you did which isn't even true. But whatever." Then, since I told her I wouldn't get mad at her for it, Ricki gave me a list of 6 main things that are wrong with me:
- You focus problems on yourself more and seem to push to be the center of attention or focus on your own problems instead of other people's.
- Your not really grateful when people do things for you, making it seem like you expect people to always be like that which aggravates people.
- You make problems bigger than they actually are and get upset about tiny things that don't go your way.
- You really are cruel to boys who truly love you.
- You tell them bad things about them which they might not want to hear (honesty is the best policy but sometimes it's outright mean).
- You act naive or fake sometimes and it gives off the impression that you are playing dumb.
When I got this text from Ricki, I was quite surprised. She had hit many things dead on, but other things that she pointed out to me I hadn't even noticed I did! For #3, I'm just sensitive, and problems that come up have always really upset me. For #6, people might think I'm playing dumb because most kids my age know stuff I don't know, but I'm not playing dumb, I truly don't know those things! For #5, I usually ask people if they want to hear what i really think, and if they'll get mad at me when I tell them. Mostly they tell me to tell them and they won't get mad, so it might not be what they want to hear, but they did ask for my honest opinion and I give it to them. I'm a very frank person, and I know that quite well about myself. I guess I'm just not afraid of calling it like it is, because I would rather know people's real opinion than have them lie to me. That's all coming back at me now, attacking me with vicious claws, scratching at every exposed part of my being, inside and out. These scars will never heal, but now I understand what others feel like when I tell them the truth. true, i say I wouldn't mind, but no one has ever told me such bad things about myself. For #4, I never know how guys feel about me. They never bother to take the time to tell me, most just assume that I'll be able to know their feelings without being told, but I can't! For #2, I really do try and remember to say "thank you, " but it seems that I haven't lately. All I can think of to say for #1 is that I'm a drama queen and I know it, but it doesn't really bother me, and I didn't know it bothered anyone else. No one ever informed me that they were bothered by it. But also, I don't do it purposely, I feel like things just naturally have to do with me. I mean, when I'm with my friends, The circle is usually around me, and if it's not, I'm always a part of it, or adding a lot to the conversation. Plus, Ricki told me that when people refer to my friends, it's usually referred to as "Sara's group."
Who am I kidding?? I've just been told everything bad about myself, I'm being given the chance to change and become a better person, something I told myself I would try to do, and here I am, doing the exact oppposite, trying to explain everything away, so I don't seem like such a bad person after all!! No. I can't do that. I will try to be a better person. I pride myself on being happy, smiling, and making others happy as well. I want to live my life to the fullest, making the best of every day, as I never know if it will be my last. I can't go any longer without changing myself, and apologizing to all the people I've hurt. I may never have the chance again!
I just need friends to help me through this time, to help me change myself, but I don't know if I have any friends willing to do that anymore. I may have lost them all already.
I have never been so ashamed of myself.
-Sara
No comments:
Post a Comment