I am awfully sorry for my changing the title and domain name of my blog so much. The newest one is:
title= Act Out
domain name= actsout.blogspot.com
Thanks for your support!! If anyone has any suggestions for making my blog more interesting or look cooler, please feel free to tell me!!!
-Sara
Monday, May 17, 2010
Am I your bitch?
Wow. Wow. And wow. I don't have the words to describe what I feel like right now. I mean, I can think of a few. Confusion, grief, overwhelmed, sad, frightened, horrible, sick, loneliness. What am I talking about? That's right, you have no idea. Where to begin? I suppose the beginning is the best place. It's just so painful to go through it all again, not to mention the third time I'll have to relive it when I write about it in my journal.
Yesterday was my black belt test for taekwondo, and I got my recommended black belt. I felt strongly (and still do) that I don't deserve the belt, since I couldn't do everything I was supposed to do. In total I was expected to break 6 boards, yet I only succeeded in breaking 2. Totally unacceptable. And when it came to sparring, I don't think I did so well. One of my two best friends was texting me after (she came to watch, not that she actually watched; she read, talked, or texted the whole time, not paying attention at all) saying that I did really well and I looked hotter than anyone else there in my taekwondo uniform. I blew up at her. She didn't understand that I don't give a damn about what i looked like, and neither does anyone else. I told her that I would rather do everything expected of me really well and be the ugliest one there, than not be able to do everything (even though I can't understand why that had to happen at this test, when I could do those same things in class! I guess it was nerves, but ugh!!) and look better than anyone else there. She was like "Ok bye talk to you later." I said "Ok thanks for your support." Now that I look back on it, that was a completely bitchy and wrong thing of me to say, because she was trying to support and comfort me, but I was just throwing it away, taking it for granted. That got Ricki pissed off, causing her to blow up as well. Our fight went on for a while, with me thinking I might have just lost one of my best friends, but I'll tell you some of what Ricki told me. "Ugh you're so difficult, i try to be a good friend, I show up to all your events, this and your concert concert tonight and other shit. I do things for you like surprise parties and hang out with you and Miriam (our other best friend-we have a trio), which is time out of my schedule, but everything I do doesn't seem appreciated even though I put in a lot of work for you, and when was the last time you showed up to a single one my games (she plays baseball)? And you rebut every piece of advice I give you and your not too nice to other people in the same situation. So yes I love you but seriously you have to be a bit more considerate because I really do put in a lot for you!" I replied asking if she thought I was a selfish, self-centered, horrible bitch, who doesn't care at all about other people. She said yes she does think that. That's not all though. "You never listen to my advice and when was the last time you said or did one nice thing for me? And I really don't want you to keep treating people like this because it makes me feel shitty all the time and that you don't care about me at all when i do care about you so much." Here's still more. " It's not only that, it's that you never seem to care about what i do, like have you ever asked when my games are or something? And everything seems to always revolve around you and you get upset about the tiniest things when I put up with a lot and it's like you weren't even appreciative that I came today (to my test) like you just expected me to be there and then you were complaining about how badly you did which isn't even true. But whatever." Then, since I told her I wouldn't get mad at her for it, Ricki gave me a list of 6 main things that are wrong with me:
Yesterday was my black belt test for taekwondo, and I got my recommended black belt. I felt strongly (and still do) that I don't deserve the belt, since I couldn't do everything I was supposed to do. In total I was expected to break 6 boards, yet I only succeeded in breaking 2. Totally unacceptable. And when it came to sparring, I don't think I did so well. One of my two best friends was texting me after (she came to watch, not that she actually watched; she read, talked, or texted the whole time, not paying attention at all) saying that I did really well and I looked hotter than anyone else there in my taekwondo uniform. I blew up at her. She didn't understand that I don't give a damn about what i looked like, and neither does anyone else. I told her that I would rather do everything expected of me really well and be the ugliest one there, than not be able to do everything (even though I can't understand why that had to happen at this test, when I could do those same things in class! I guess it was nerves, but ugh!!) and look better than anyone else there. She was like "Ok bye talk to you later." I said "Ok thanks for your support." Now that I look back on it, that was a completely bitchy and wrong thing of me to say, because she was trying to support and comfort me, but I was just throwing it away, taking it for granted. That got Ricki pissed off, causing her to blow up as well. Our fight went on for a while, with me thinking I might have just lost one of my best friends, but I'll tell you some of what Ricki told me. "Ugh you're so difficult, i try to be a good friend, I show up to all your events, this and your concert concert tonight and other shit. I do things for you like surprise parties and hang out with you and Miriam (our other best friend-we have a trio), which is time out of my schedule, but everything I do doesn't seem appreciated even though I put in a lot of work for you, and when was the last time you showed up to a single one my games (she plays baseball)? And you rebut every piece of advice I give you and your not too nice to other people in the same situation. So yes I love you but seriously you have to be a bit more considerate because I really do put in a lot for you!" I replied asking if she thought I was a selfish, self-centered, horrible bitch, who doesn't care at all about other people. She said yes she does think that. That's not all though. "You never listen to my advice and when was the last time you said or did one nice thing for me? And I really don't want you to keep treating people like this because it makes me feel shitty all the time and that you don't care about me at all when i do care about you so much." Here's still more. " It's not only that, it's that you never seem to care about what i do, like have you ever asked when my games are or something? And everything seems to always revolve around you and you get upset about the tiniest things when I put up with a lot and it's like you weren't even appreciative that I came today (to my test) like you just expected me to be there and then you were complaining about how badly you did which isn't even true. But whatever." Then, since I told her I wouldn't get mad at her for it, Ricki gave me a list of 6 main things that are wrong with me:
- You focus problems on yourself more and seem to push to be the center of attention or focus on your own problems instead of other people's.
- Your not really grateful when people do things for you, making it seem like you expect people to always be like that which aggravates people.
- You make problems bigger than they actually are and get upset about tiny things that don't go your way.
- You really are cruel to boys who truly love you.
- You tell them bad things about them which they might not want to hear (honesty is the best policy but sometimes it's outright mean).
- You act naive or fake sometimes and it gives off the impression that you are playing dumb.
When I got this text from Ricki, I was quite surprised. She had hit many things dead on, but other things that she pointed out to me I hadn't even noticed I did! For #3, I'm just sensitive, and problems that come up have always really upset me. For #6, people might think I'm playing dumb because most kids my age know stuff I don't know, but I'm not playing dumb, I truly don't know those things! For #5, I usually ask people if they want to hear what i really think, and if they'll get mad at me when I tell them. Mostly they tell me to tell them and they won't get mad, so it might not be what they want to hear, but they did ask for my honest opinion and I give it to them. I'm a very frank person, and I know that quite well about myself. I guess I'm just not afraid of calling it like it is, because I would rather know people's real opinion than have them lie to me. That's all coming back at me now, attacking me with vicious claws, scratching at every exposed part of my being, inside and out. These scars will never heal, but now I understand what others feel like when I tell them the truth. true, i say I wouldn't mind, but no one has ever told me such bad things about myself. For #4, I never know how guys feel about me. They never bother to take the time to tell me, most just assume that I'll be able to know their feelings without being told, but I can't! For #2, I really do try and remember to say "thank you, " but it seems that I haven't lately. All I can think of to say for #1 is that I'm a drama queen and I know it, but it doesn't really bother me, and I didn't know it bothered anyone else. No one ever informed me that they were bothered by it. But also, I don't do it purposely, I feel like things just naturally have to do with me. I mean, when I'm with my friends, The circle is usually around me, and if it's not, I'm always a part of it, or adding a lot to the conversation. Plus, Ricki told me that when people refer to my friends, it's usually referred to as "Sara's group."
Who am I kidding?? I've just been told everything bad about myself, I'm being given the chance to change and become a better person, something I told myself I would try to do, and here I am, doing the exact oppposite, trying to explain everything away, so I don't seem like such a bad person after all!! No. I can't do that. I will try to be a better person. I pride myself on being happy, smiling, and making others happy as well. I want to live my life to the fullest, making the best of every day, as I never know if it will be my last. I can't go any longer without changing myself, and apologizing to all the people I've hurt. I may never have the chance again!
I just need friends to help me through this time, to help me change myself, but I don't know if I have any friends willing to do that anymore. I may have lost them all already.
I have never been so ashamed of myself.
-Sara
Sunday, May 9, 2010
oops!!! my bad!!
Forget when I said my birthday is in 11 hours and 44 minutes. I counted wrong, and as of now, it is in....2 and a half hours exactly.
HAPPY MOMMY DAY!!
Happy Mother's Day to every wonderful mother out there! And even if you are not a wonderful mother, you are a mother nonetheless, so happy Mother's Day to you, too! My family and I celebrated by going out to Shalom Bombei for dinner. It's this really good Indian restaurant where I live. We gave my mother cards, and my dad got her a muffin and coffee from Starbucks in the morning. Whoa. Back up there! Rewind!! Isn't it like a tradition to give your mom breakfast in bad on mother's Day? You are absolutely right, that is the tradition, but my mom goes against it, daring to be different. She likes to get up early on Mother's Day and go to taekwondo, dragging my brothers and me with her. Don't ask why, because I can't tell you, I don't rightly know myself.
I absolutely cannot believe it, but in 11 hours and 44 minutes I will be 14 years old!! I don't think I'm going to feel any older though, different, wiser. I feel the same, but with a different number when I am asked how old I am. Should I be striving for some great feeling now that I am just about 14 years old? Is there supposed to be some overwhelming sense of maturity or something? Beacuse a lot of my friends are already 14, and they are certainly not any more mature than they were while 13. One example is that my friends greatly enjoy making "that's what she said" jokes. Another is that my friend Hillel repeatedly calls me a spaz, and I finally broke down and told him "fine I am a spaz." That wasn't all though. Following his victory cry, I said, "but I am a proud spaz!!" I think that should keep him quiet for a while. Scratch that. He is gloating that he was right and I was wrong.
Does that give you the impression of maturity? If it does, please explain to me how so. I must be missing something.
My schedule is wacky, crazy, chaotic, hectic, and every other adjective like that. Thursday was the performances of my grade's Holocaust play at school. In the morning some schools came to see it, and at night it was parents and siblings mostly. The kids in my grade actually managed to pull it together, and we performed very nicely. We even got a standing ovation at the night performance, started by my wonderful older brother, Yaakov. Tomorrow is my school choir's Spring Concert. We are performing along with the SAR and Ramaz choirs. Upon finding out the date about a month and a half ago, I freaked out happily that it was on my birthday, so Mrs. greenberg, the choir teacher, said the would all sing Happy Birthday to me at the end of the concert! Sunday brings my recommended black belt test at taekwondo (*shrieks*) and Matt Okin's spring talent showcase, which my friends and I are singing a trio in. Have you ever heard "The Rose" by Bette Midler? That's what we're performing. It's an amazing song. The last performance I have that is coming up is on June 18, and it is my first piano recital and a singing performance, since my piano teacher is also my voice teacher and she and her husband have these concerts twice a year. I am so excited for all of this!
Especially the piano part of it all, I have never performed my piano playing, and I have improved at a tremendous speed, learning at such a quick pace that jana, my teacher, is greatly impressed, considering the fact that I have only been playing since January. I have simply fallen in love with the piano! Jana's exact words after one of our lessons a few weeks ago were, "I think you must have been born to play piano." That meant so much to me, since she is a professional, and must know what she's talking about.
I feel so happy right now. I have a good life, friends who love me, a boyfriend who is crazy about me. What more could a girl ask for? Well, if you insist on knowing, a girl like me could really ask for a dog, but.....I'm just joking. As wonderful as a dog would be, I'm still happy with my life.
Now why is she so happy? Is she high? Is she drunk? Is she delirious? No, no, no, and no. I am reading the diary of Anne Frank, and it put my life into perspective for me. I have such an amazing life, yet I take most of it for granted. There are so many oppurtunities for me to be happy, or to help someone in need, yet I let it slip through my fingers without a second thought. Now that I am turning 14, it is a new year for me, a yearin which I can become a better person, further develop all the qualities that make one into an exceptionally good person.
I have big goals for myself this year, and I should probably be getting started on them . The first step would most likely be to leave the computer and go work on my english essay due next Monday....
-Sara
I absolutely cannot believe it, but in 11 hours and 44 minutes I will be 14 years old!! I don't think I'm going to feel any older though, different, wiser. I feel the same, but with a different number when I am asked how old I am. Should I be striving for some great feeling now that I am just about 14 years old? Is there supposed to be some overwhelming sense of maturity or something? Beacuse a lot of my friends are already 14, and they are certainly not any more mature than they were while 13. One example is that my friends greatly enjoy making "that's what she said" jokes. Another is that my friend Hillel repeatedly calls me a spaz, and I finally broke down and told him "fine I am a spaz." That wasn't all though. Following his victory cry, I said, "but I am a proud spaz!!" I think that should keep him quiet for a while. Scratch that. He is gloating that he was right and I was wrong.
Does that give you the impression of maturity? If it does, please explain to me how so. I must be missing something.
My schedule is wacky, crazy, chaotic, hectic, and every other adjective like that. Thursday was the performances of my grade's Holocaust play at school. In the morning some schools came to see it, and at night it was parents and siblings mostly. The kids in my grade actually managed to pull it together, and we performed very nicely. We even got a standing ovation at the night performance, started by my wonderful older brother, Yaakov. Tomorrow is my school choir's Spring Concert. We are performing along with the SAR and Ramaz choirs. Upon finding out the date about a month and a half ago, I freaked out happily that it was on my birthday, so Mrs. greenberg, the choir teacher, said the would all sing Happy Birthday to me at the end of the concert! Sunday brings my recommended black belt test at taekwondo (*shrieks*) and Matt Okin's spring talent showcase, which my friends and I are singing a trio in. Have you ever heard "The Rose" by Bette Midler? That's what we're performing. It's an amazing song. The last performance I have that is coming up is on June 18, and it is my first piano recital and a singing performance, since my piano teacher is also my voice teacher and she and her husband have these concerts twice a year. I am so excited for all of this!
Especially the piano part of it all, I have never performed my piano playing, and I have improved at a tremendous speed, learning at such a quick pace that jana, my teacher, is greatly impressed, considering the fact that I have only been playing since January. I have simply fallen in love with the piano! Jana's exact words after one of our lessons a few weeks ago were, "I think you must have been born to play piano." That meant so much to me, since she is a professional, and must know what she's talking about.
I feel so happy right now. I have a good life, friends who love me, a boyfriend who is crazy about me. What more could a girl ask for? Well, if you insist on knowing, a girl like me could really ask for a dog, but.....I'm just joking. As wonderful as a dog would be, I'm still happy with my life.
Now why is she so happy? Is she high? Is she drunk? Is she delirious? No, no, no, and no. I am reading the diary of Anne Frank, and it put my life into perspective for me. I have such an amazing life, yet I take most of it for granted. There are so many oppurtunities for me to be happy, or to help someone in need, yet I let it slip through my fingers without a second thought. Now that I am turning 14, it is a new year for me, a yearin which I can become a better person, further develop all the qualities that make one into an exceptionally good person.
I have big goals for myself this year, and I should probably be getting started on them . The first step would most likely be to leave the computer and go work on my english essay due next Monday....
-Sara
Friday, May 7, 2010
OMG. I haven't blogged in such a long time. I would blame it all on the fact that my schedule has been majorly busy lately, but that would be a load of crap. It's more that I have been too lazy to bother going on the computer, logging on, and spending my time blogging. So go ahead. Say it. Say it! SAY IT!! I am a lazy girl, who cannot finish what she has started.
Great! Now that you've said it, I have the chance to prove you wrong. I don't want to be a quitter. I will follow through, no matter what. But one thing that I might do, is simply start over. I feel like everything I have blogged about is trivial and juvenile.
At the moment, my friend, Shoshana, is at my house. We are walking to the bus stop so we can go to the mall, as we are shopping for graduation dresses and shoes. I promise I will continue what I have started, so don't worry.
See ya soon!!
-Sara
Great! Now that you've said it, I have the chance to prove you wrong. I don't want to be a quitter. I will follow through, no matter what. But one thing that I might do, is simply start over. I feel like everything I have blogged about is trivial and juvenile.
At the moment, my friend, Shoshana, is at my house. We are walking to the bus stop so we can go to the mall, as we are shopping for graduation dresses and shoes. I promise I will continue what I have started, so don't worry.
See ya soon!!
-Sara
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